First, all the fun creative stuff. Second all the strange stuff.
I’ve been working on a few tiny pieces over the past week. I wanted to see if I could create a tiny bumble bee. The answer is, yes I can. I’ve got two bee dolls in the works right now. One has a larger head, more like a drone bee I suppose and the other one is a Queen Bee. I’m still working on her crown. Well, I actually need two crowns, because I want to have a Queen Bee and Baby Duck from the Eagles of Death Metal song that I like a lot. I’ve already got Baby Duck finished, but he too requires a crown. I’ve tried making some out of paper and other materials, but I’ve found none of them to be satisfactory. I’ll be breaking out the clay at some point today. I’m sure I can come up with something I’ll like.
I did create tiny bee wings that I’m satisfied with, however I think I want to create some new sets of wings, because the colours I used are not right somehow. I’ll be going out tomorrow and will pick up a few new colours of acrylic paint. Then I can make some more sets of wings. I’m getting fairly quick at creating the wings with the recycled plastic sheets I’m using. I’ve figured out how to create the etched lines without making myself so nauseated. This helps quite a bit.
The wings for the two dolls pictured above are a little different from the wings I’ve done previously. I wanted something that would lay flat against the doll instead of extending several centimeters from the back of each doll. I was shooting for something like a cicada and one of those maple tree seeds, which I now know are called samaras, among other things. I miss the sound of cicadas in the summer. My husband isn’t a fan of the insects. I suppose that I associate happy memories with them. They sang me to sleep when I was a little kid, as the house I grew-up in was at the edge of wooded area. They’re the music of summer time to me.
These wings aren’t exactly what I want, but they get me a little closer to something that I know I will be happy with.
Which brings me to to some things I’ve been thinking about, and that tie into the title of this post. The orange doll with the green clothing and pink flower cap I made hit a lot of nostalgic buttons for me. I didn’t set out to especially explore smashing around on those buttons. She just happened. I wanted to make an orange doll. Then she had some pink and fuchsia flowers, and then some green leaves, then the yellow hair happened. Smash, smash, smash. Buttons got smashed. Not in a bad way at all, just in a way that explains why I like certain colour combinations and general designs for dolls.
I also started thinking more about the dolls that I’m creating right now. What the real reasons are behind them. I’ve talked about it a bit in a previous post, but I tend to have multiple reasons for doing anything, consciously or unconsciously. There has to be some need that’s being met in the creating of them. I think I’ve started figuring it out, and it’s tied to some fairly common types of behaviour, or perhaps ways of thinking. Or at least I think it’s fairly common. I may be totally off the mark on this one. It wouldn’t be the first time either!
While examining some of the buttons that got smashed while creating the orange doll, I was again reminded of the fact that while I have always loved dolls, the one type of dolls that I never really got into were baby dolls. I didn’t hate them or anything. Once past a certain age, I just didn’t seem to have no interest at all in them. I’ve always preferred dolls that were either more like me, human/humanoid or animals and monster types of dolls. I’ve talked about this before. I was always more inclined to think of my dolls as my friends. Someone to talk to or create a home, or safe place for. I was never the ‘parent’ in relation to my dolls.
Since the beginning to the year, I’ve been creating almost nothing but extremely small dolls(8 cm tall and under). When I get into a type of work, or a theme, I know that there is something that I’m trying to figure out mentally or emotionally. Two different doll-like concepts have kind of become fused in my mind with regard to these small dolls. Guatemalan worry dolls (sometimes called trouble dolls) and ancient Egyptian ushabti. The two different doll-related objects have smashed into each other inside my head somehow. Realistically, I know that the dolls that I make cannot solve my problems for me while I sleep. Nor can they spring to life and do my bidding when I require their assistance. This does not mean that I’m not having conversations with them as a piece of art, while I am in the act of creating them. Again, I know they cannot talk. These conversations are an integral part of the creative process though. Sometimes these conversations go on and on and on until I consciously understand why I’m creating what I’m creating.
Each finished piece therefore, to me, in imbued with a certain amount of life, or energy and time. They’re a unique combination of my curiosity, talent, efficacy, and need to be seen and heard as an individual. I need to understand myself, and the world I inhabit, as well as where they overlap. I do that by making art. I’ve never been quite sure if that makes me smart or stupid or something in between.
What makes me surprised thought, is how I feel the ‘call of the void‘, as it relates to the physical artwork. The artwork does begin to pile up. That’s one reason why I have to sell it. I actually start running out of room to keep it. When it doesn’t sell, then it becomes something that can be a physical manifestation of my failure. The failure being I cannot seem to sell it and make money from it. That resentment begins to build and it turns into that call of the void thing. However, with regard to my artwork, it’s more along the lines of ‘BURN IT DOWN’. At my worst emotional lows there are times I want to pile all of my artwork up on the lawn, douse it with kerosene and light it all on fire. That way, it won’t be there reminding me of my failure to sell it. I created it. I can destroy it. And anyway, if it’s not selling, then no one will be mad that I destroyed it all. (Too Much Thinking: This all has to be rooted in fear, via not being in control, and the act of burning all of the work is taking back my control by controlling the existence of the work at all.)
Like the call of the void, I could never do that to my artwork. I could never burn it all up and destroy it. This concept does make me wonder if the act of destroying my artwork would somehow make me a more ‘legitimate artist’ in the eyes of gallery owners. I’m a creator, not a destroyer. So this is never going to happen. Just like as the thought of stepping in front of an on-coming bus will never happen either.
Man, the places my brain goes.
Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you again next Monday.
The Second Coming (Burn it Down) Seth Rollins entrance music on the WWE. I’m not a huge fan of Rollins as a wrestler, but his theme music is kind of okay. The double bass pedal is way over-done though. There are other wrestlers that I like a great deal more, like Randy Orton and Daniel Bryan.